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Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years or More

Back-Talk! by Sheryl P. Kurland


In this new column – “Back-Talk!” – we go to the real-life relationship experts – couples who have been married 50 years or more.  Husband and wife will each give their experienced answer to a relationship problem.




My husband and I have been married for 27 years.  He is a good man and I love him dearly, but something goes on with him on an emotional level that I don't understand.  He hates to talk out our problems with me.  When we have an argument or disagreement, he usually becomes animated and says things that are hurtful, such as "I don't care how you feel" or "I don't trust you."  The negative way he talks to me (which happens only when he is upset) hurts and I can't just carry on as if the words were never said.  I am a very gentle soul.  An example of his avoidance: One time when I was mad at him, I didn't say anything.  I was just trying to deal with it on my own.  He told me he knew I was mad, and that whatever it was, he was sorry.  He never asked what he had done to make me mad.  I pointed out that fact and suggested he was afraid to know why.  He pretty much admitted it and I reassured him I would not tell him.  That is our relationship.  I'm at my wits end.  Can you help me sort this out?




Say this to your husband: "We have many good years together during which I care more for you than I do for me... I'm concerned about your attitude toward me when you are upset as I am very upset and very hurt...because you can hurt me more than you know...I need your support and love more than anything else in this world.  We have different view and opinions but not against each other...I love you, I love you, I love you."




It seems to me that connection and communication have been lost somewhere in the 27 years you and your husband have been together.  You won't tell him why you're mad, and he won't tell you why he is mad.  Thus communication has been lost.  I have a favorite prayer and its last line goes like this "Of faith, hope and love, the greatest of these is love."  I would add one more very important word "Trust."  He said he did not trust you ...You must find out why...Whether imagined or real, both of you have lost trust...Two people can have everything they are suppose to have in a marriage, but if trust is lost, nothing else counts...You must both open up and find that trust again...then that love you professed the day you both said "I do" to your promises will return along with that trust.  Remember, if you have a friend and you lose trust in them, you no longer have a friend, and you both lose.




Maxine and Ed have been married 57 years



Journal Questions for you: How is your communication style with your significant other(s)?  Who is easiest?  Why? 


Who is the most difficult? Why?


Taking a moment now to get those feelings down on paper and out of your heart and head could be transformational. Maybe you'll notice a pattern of thinking or reacting that you can break or you will find the words and the courage to discuss these feelings with your Loved One. Anything is possible - give it a try.




Do you have a relationship problem you need help resolving?  Submit questions to Sheryl Kurland, author of Everlasting Matrimony,
at  She’ll have your question answered by a couple married 50-plus years. 
Visit her book web site,

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